Mommy Dearest, Nanny Darling

There are many things I have discovered as a result of having a baby like I would rather sleep than do just about anything (that's a lie, I knew that before the kid); that by the age of one a child can understand all the simple words and phrases used in every day life even if she can't say them herself; that the worst parenting critics are sweet little old ladies who accost you in the grocery store because you forgot to bring a sweater for your kid even though it is 90 degrees outside (to be fair it is horribly cold in super markets, and the kid ended up wearing PBT's extra shirt toga style); that most children's books are engineered to make you cry ( i.e. Lama Lama Red Pajama); that after becoming a parent any mention of sad, missing, hurt, or otherwise unhappy children (even if they are grown up and the sadness is all in flashback) in any media form will make you blubber like an idiot and cling to your spouse saying things like "we will never let our baby more then twenty feet from us and during which time we will use some sort of unbreakable tether. She can easily attend college courses wearing it. And we should immediately adopt all unhappy babies. And tether those babies to us;" and that your mother is probably the world's greatest person because she did everything you are doing but with less help and more children (thanks mom).

There is another thing that preoccupies me about parenting. Childcare. As a member of an online moms' group I've been privy to many conversations about childcare between mothers, both working and at home. What has surprised me the most is the way that so many parents devalue this service, asking questions like "why can't we pay the nanny less for babysitting at night when the kid is asleep?" This line of questioning, the one that treats the job like something other than a job, is bizarre to me. People often want to pay less for childcare than they would for housecleaning. Too often parents don't value their nanny's time. They must be paid the same rate whether the kid is sleeping or awake because the parents are paying for the nanny's time not for her level of on-the-job activity. A cashier doesn't get paid less when there are fewer customers. Her time is not less valuable just because the kid is sleeping. Not to mention the fact that the kid could wake up or there could be an emergency.

I feel lucky because I have found two babysitters (sitters, not professional nannies) who are wonderful with my girl, but who also have helped me to see how to best treat someone who is in my home taking care of my kid. It also helps that I was a babysitter up until I got pregnant (it is the perfect job for supplementary income). My two sitters ask to be given car fare home if it is after 10 pm. I also always provide a meal for them. They are, after all, captive in my house. Sure, they could go out and buy something, or bring something from home, but I feel it is important that I have food for them. If I don't, I provide the cash for ordering delivery (particularly at night, when they can't go out themselves). Of course, they may just end up with fish sticks and hummus on toast, but I try to have something more adult-oriented on hand. When I worked in restaurants I was always provided a meal, this is the same principle. The nanny cooks for your kid, so there needs to be food for the nanny to eat too.

It is so easy to forget that hanging out in your house with your fabulous kid is hard work. Though I'm not sure that is the crux of the issue. I'm home all day with my girl and there are plenty of minutes or hours that feel like frogging work. So maybe it's not that some parents forget how much work it is, but just that they are reluctant to face the reality of the expense: the extra food, the cars home, the paid vacation time, the living wage. Maybe when faced with the hundreds or thousands of dollars a month expended on childcare parents need to cut corners any way they can. I just worry about it. I worry when I go to the Y with my girl and pass the long row of women finding a warm dry play space, finding a way to break up their long day caring for someone else's baby. I worry that those women aren't getting what they deserve. Many of those same women bring a wonderful diversity to our too homogenous neighborhood, but it is tragic that diversity is not extended to class distinction. Where are all the white nannies anyway, where are the affluent Caribbean women going off to law firms and brokerage houses while their blond wisp of a nanny changes the butt bombs? But I guess that is another post all together.

In other news, I now have a spiffy new computer that has things like a fully functioning space bar and more than one GB of available memory, so look out.